polar_bearxl

So, today, after long time didn't post anything, i got something on my mind (finally, as if all these times my mind is just a complete blank slate).

What makes me move on?
well, i keep asking myself this question for quite a while. "Me" now, is not quite the same of "Me" before, some changes happen, some stay still, at some point in my life, i got a drastic change and bending here and there, i think most of us do too. So what makes us change? is it usually came from external factor? or internal one? what did i call as an external factor? isn't external also need an internalization to have an enough force to move people? then what is internal factor?

All these question swarmed my head yesterday. And some ideas came out. So, what makes me move on?

first, The Power of The Creator, God, Deus, Theos, Deva, or whatever He/She was called, this Force is major force that makes us move, trough the internalization, or not, whether you want it, or not. Of course if you don't have a religion, or didn't believe in God,then this is not your factor.

second, an urge, or obsession to achieve, attain, or prove something, or someone. Some other voice in my head says, it's not quite right, since this obsession, or urge aren't purely came just like that, there's a source, but i do believe, that sometimes You Move, Even if You Don't Know Why. Do Mom will think that she love her son first when he's about to being hit by a car? or did she just jump right away?

third, someone to push you. I think most of Asian Culture people move because of this, most of us try to be a better person for someone else, ask an Indonesian kid, why did he study? he say, "i wanna be smart", ask again, " why you want to be smart?" most of them said, to be a good son, for their parents, only a little said because himself.
Is it wrong? i don't think so, but it could be a trigger to lack of the number four factor, which is,

Ambition, most Asian culture didn't taught kid to be ambitious, in Indonesia they say "hang up your dream as high as a star", we don't give the kid a better descriptive explanation about this, but we put so many examples, story, detailed information, descriptive explanation of being a good kid, for whom? for the kid to socialized with people (i'm opening a further suggestion or explanation or idea for this case). Do ambition important, definitely, do they turn into bad idea if it goes too great? yes it is, but isn't also happen to the third factor? (i believe that everything that goes beyond their ideal limit will also bring bad things)

Noted: Most great leader, person, Noble winner are ambitious, they do everything to achieve what they hold as an ideal. Pope John Paul II won't be able to be an actor that ends communism in Central, East, and Southern Europe, if He didn't have that ambitious, Mother Theresa won't go as far as stays with the poor, only because of social admittance, her ambitions and Faith drove her.
Even Obama won't be a President even if he's not ambitious.

I like ambitious people, most people might said that they're a loner, people dislike them, people didn't want to join them, but you know what i think about them? they are ONE of the type of the people, that leads our movement in this world.

Sadly, in the beginning, most of them being rejected so hard that i believe they feel bad about themselves. Mother Theresa being rejected by the people she's willing to help at first, Obama were told "newbie" in politics, at first. Read Abraham Lincoln story if you want to know about his road to President

So, that's what i know about ambition, next, where it came from? is it just "poof" and appears like that? or there's a source of it?

This is still a mystery to me, i never think up to that level, since it's quite hard to say, and i don't quite like to think beyond what i know, or what i ever experienced.

Well, this is just some stupid writing from me, if you like it, please give me some comments, much obligated.

Lately, i always though i want to send an email to the one that i hold precious, she's the one who helped out of my misery, cheered me up when i'm down, giving me a hope when i see no more hope, and at last, be one of my future most valuable achievement.

I had stopped send her email about a year ago, actually, she did stop sending me email, i didn't know why, or what made her do that, but alas, i believe that it doesn't mean that she hates me (maybe she did :p). So, from time to time, i kept sending her mail, tell her about my condition, my university, etc, and still i didn't get any replies. I still want to send her mail, there's no last mail for her from me. But there's one mail i didn't send her. I kinda hard to explain it, but i don't think i supposed to send it. Here's the message :

"S(her initial), it's been a while since i last send you an email, i haven't bored yet with you, nor that i found another one to fill in for you(believe me, i tried, and failed), i just scared that i might bother you with all my mails. I though, maybe you want me to stop sending for a while, or maybe you want me to focus on my study, so that i can get the Scholarship that i wanted so bad. I don't know your reason for not replied my mails, but it doesn't matter.

Lately, i think a lot about you and me, you ever ask me, "why do you love me?" and i said, "because i loved you" (yeah i know that's looks stupid), but i really do when i say that, i'm happy when i know you, you believe in me, even when my mother doubt me very much, you encourage me, even when my father said i'm a failure.

Is it mean that i only see you as a replacement for me? are you just a replacement of my mother, or my father? well, yes and no.
Yes, because you really did do that, and that's makes me happy, and no, that's not as simple as that.

I'm happy when you came, you give me so much hope and courage that i can withstand everything, i can cast away my pride, and lower my head. At first, i though, i was so low that i see you as replacement for those who doubt me, yet, when i think again, it's not wrong, you came as replacement, in the time that i really need, time that is so crucial, that if things go wrong, i would ended up being a jerk, i dropped out school twice that time remember? even my father had lost hope on me, but you keep support me. When i win those debating competition, my father didn't say any praise for me, you did. Is it wrong to fell in love the one who did that?

But it's not only that makes me love you. I understand now that, love means a promise, love means responsibility, when you say you love someone, then you make a promise to her, you have a responsibility over her happiness, just like when mother said they love their kids, they do it fully, so much responsibility, and promise in there, when you love someone, you must treat her, just like what your parents treat you. These are another reason why i love you, you teach me these.

That's the way i love you now. I did feel jealous when i know you're with another guy there, i cried when i know that you're engaging to someone else back in 2007. And i tried so hard to make you mine at that time, even up to saying those harsh words, and i felt guilt after that, i felt sad. A year has passed since last time i receive those mails from you, i haven't forgot you, never, yet because i love you, i try to learn to let you go.... I try to think for the best of you, had a lot of time alone without you makes me think so hard, and i came to the conclusion, i'm not worthy enough to claim you. Who am i? i don't even have a job yet, still a college student. We are divided by thousand miles, how am i supposed to want to claim you?

I never forgot you though, i still try my best to reach you, get a good score in campus, and find a scholarship for Graduate student to your country, but if earlier, all i do, is because i was so obsessed with you, now, i try to broaden my view, i try to learn to prepare a better "me". You're still my focus, when i lost you, believe me, i'll cry over night for it.. But it doesn't mean i'll die at that moment, it doesn't mean my future stopped there, i had another people who loved me, my father, my mother, i got people depend on me, my under-classmate, i can't die at that moment.

I remember when my grandma die, my father stand still, he's shocked, sad, that's the only parent left for him, my grandpa already gone long ago before i was born, and now he lost his mother too, he's sad, he didn't even want to talk for sometime, but he move on, i believe that he never forget about his mother, he will always remember her, as one of the sweetest thing this world can offer, but he had to move on, he got kids, wife, families depends on him, his world didn't end that moment, his sadness will came at that moment, but it will washed away, leaved only sweet memory of his experience with his mother, one of his best time in the world.

I do too, will, if, once again, if i were to lose you. I knew that you're worried to send me message(you're really kind), but i'm fine, i'm building my future, if it were to crumble again, i'll rebuild another one, if my future to be with you were to crumbled to pieces, then let it be my sweet experience that i won't forget, and let me build another future.

I'm still working on my scholarship, and i hope my future still have you in there."


PS: Be happy, if you had someone who you love, and you know that he/she's a part of your future

First of all, today is about my hedgehog, and about the Miss Indonesia, what's the connection? hehehe, nothing, it just came to my mind at the same time

First, today is the first time i pick Gustave in my hand, he's quite unhappy with that, all this noon, he just raised his spine whenever he saw my hand, hmmmmm, i think i still got a long way to go before he get used to me.......

Oh and yesterday, he's quite weird, i give him a house, made from an old tissue box, he used it all the day to sleep.... and i mean ALL THE DAY. He slept from when i go out to campus at 6.00am, till i got back to house at 3.00pm, and kept sleeping like that up till 1.00am. after that, he just running around, drinking, running again, digging the bedding up, running again, drinking again, etc.

And in the morning, when i woke up, his house already stand on his food box..... how did he do that???? still a mystery for me.

Miss Indonesia... well, now we're having a miss Indonesia Contest now, and one of the student in my faculty join it. i can't tell you who, and i can tell you which province that she stands for.

I used to believe that Miss Indonesia Contest is a contest full of real smart girl that we could declare them as the country girl representative, i used to believe that they got the brain, they got the beauty, and they got the attitude.

But since i got someone that i know (i didn't familiar with her), somehow i got a doubt on the contest, sure this girl is pretty, and maybe she got a great brain too, but after being told by a friend of mine who's in the same class as her, i doubt very much that she got the attitude.

Once, my friend was assigned to a study group, they were told to work on a task, making a presentation. The task ain't easy at all, at least this time i know it really well (i ended up helped some of her tasks), but the irony was, no one in that group that care about this task, my friend single-handedly work on it, and successfully persuade one member to help.

One of the member of this group is this Miss Indonesia-wanna-be. Well, maybe she's smart, and she definitely pretty, but i really doubt how she focus on her life, maybe she got busy on other things, but, well, a task, especially a group task, assigned by your campus, was something you shouldn't let off, it's her job now. And i bet that when she write a bios on herself, she would put scholar, on the occupation.

As a scholar, no matter what you do, you have to put the STUDY ON YOUR TOP PRIORITY right? why? my father told me, you're pretty, but it will only last up till 30th. You're rich, well, see what happen if you got a child who likes to spend a lot of money. But if you got brain, no matter how poor, or ugly you are, people will still acknowledge you. People still respect you.

Yes, maybe you have a talent to be an artist, or musician, and you prefer that as your way of life, if so, focus on them, you don't need to burden others with your left-out task that others should take care, right?

Well, anyway, i don't like pointing people, and i don't like to make a gossip out of people, so please don't get angry if you feel insulted with what i say. But, why do you need to get angry if you don't like that anyway.

Today, my hedgehog finally in my room, i named it Gustave.
He is a male albino hedgehog, just aged almost 2 months, and a cute one.

Well, the problem is, he's not quite familiar with me, from the beginning till now, he's just keep crouching in the corner, exposing his thousand needles and as if saying "Yo, back off!"

oh and about his name, why Gustave? well, i found it interesting, i like the name of Alexander, but i already made up my mind long ago that it will be my future kid name, i also like, Spiky, but i think named a hedgehog spiky is kinda stupid, as is someone would said to me "What? since he got a lot of spike then he got the name spiky? let see what happen if he got a lot of hair........" and i choose not to named him that.

Right when i wrote this, i'm looking at him, looks like he's tired, after all, he's just having a quite long journey to come to my place,he's sleeping now. here's some pictures of him.




By the way, i spent quite hefty sum of money for him, for his container, for his bedding and for him, well, now i'm happy, hahhaha.

Last night, and the night before last night, i slept, from 10.00pm till 4.30am, that's great :D. I can sleep now, the doctor told me to take a medicine, but i refuse, i prefer trying to change my sleep time, and it works.

I always believe that our mind could change our physical condition, i believe that even the worst disease could be cured (or at least repress) with a positive attitude toward the problem, i always believe that i had a problem, and i tried to be positive, i tried to look at my problem as a support that makes me stronger, so that way, i believe my problem, which made me insomnia could be solved, or at least, if it's unsolvable, then it was meant to be a lesson for me, to be a better man.

So what's on my mind anyway?

Well, it looks like, i was scared to get a bad scores in my study.
Even now i think it was stupid, but at some point of my life, where a decision was made under such heavy pressure and responsibility, it some times, become a stressor for me.

But, i'm pretty aware with that, and after some times of thinking, i realized, there's no point in getting stress, even though i got an insomnia, it won't solve the trouble. i said to myself " STOP WHINING, YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING OUT OF IT."

So that, i pick up myself, i push myself up, and i try to change my sleeping time back to normal, and here i am.

Well, related to the sleeping problem, the cause is a promise, a promise to someone that i made long ago.

What do you think, if you made a promise to someone, two years ago, you failed to make it happen, and you renew your promise last year, and you still try to do that, up till now.

The problem is, the one you promise haven't contacted you, from last year, till now.
Will you still keep the promise? well i do. And at some point, it felt exhausted, but i realized, it just my feeling, it just in my mind, no matter what, i should keep trying to fulfill my promise. So here i go again, trying his best, for a simple promise.

PS : Promise are meant to be fulfilled.

Today's post is about insomnia, insomnia and insomnia. Why? isn't boring? well yeah, but i want to write it, because last week i only sleeps for 5-6 hours for A WEEK and i bet because of that, my score, and achievement in campus was dragged down to the lowest level i ever achieved...
2 weeks ago, at Sunday, i got my heads quite hurt, it started with my right ear and continue up to half of my head, and since it's hurting so much, i wasn't able to sleep. And that's where my nightmare started, from ear trouble, can't sleep, can't wake up in the morning, and make me not sleeping (since i think i won't wake up in the morning, and i will be late to go to campus).
So, at first i could just went to campus like that, trying to hold on, not to sleep in the study (but, oh please, why they have to be so boooooring), and at some points, i just couldn't make it again. I'm just to sleepy, and what worse, i just can't sleep even though i passed the class, i sleep for 2 hours, and my friend started to play a-loud-enough-music-that-could-break-a-glass. Well, thank you very much for the music, and here we are again, unsleeping-not-beauty (now i know why they say, sleeping beauty, when you're not sleeping, don't even think about beauty).

But luckily, all my lecturer are good person, i personally ask them for apology for not attending the class and they say it's okay (Thank to you all my lecturer).
One said to me that she have a sleeping disorder and she knew very well what it felt like to be like me. Hopefully, they don't penalize my score for this.

Okay, so today, i spent my afternoon sleeping (after all i just slept about 3 hours, from 00.30am to 3.30am), hopefully, i could change my sleeping habit to normal again.

That's it for today, hope you're all fine, well, and God Bless you

It's 4.30am, my insomnia hold me from sleeping from yesterday, up till 10.00pm last night. I manage to sleep for about 4 hours, waking up at 2.00am, cleaning my room (yup, at 2.00am) and browse around a bit.

Just like the subject said, the doctor gave me a medicine, the name is beprazolam (correct me if i'm wrong) telling me to drink it for about 5 days in advance. yeah, i think i need that doc.

Last day, my friend asked me to go the Movie (21 Cineplex), to watch the Angel and Demon, i already read the novel, and i like the way they put things together, the movie is refreshing for me, many said to me that the movie is not good for Catholic people, well, at some point i agree with that.

No, i don't like to start all the issues the movie brings, no, it's just an endless debating if you keep blabbering it all, i mean, look, IT'S JUST A MOVIE, it's not meant to be our source of information, no, not at all. I am a Catholic, and that movie sure bring some issues i didn't like, but once again, it's just a movie, no heart feelings.

So, Catholic shouldn't watch that movie? well, if you don't like Tom Hanks, then don't (i like him since Forrest Gump, so, it's no-go for me), or, if you're someone easily drifted by the issues the film brings, then don't too. Or, if you're some fanatics, DON'T unless you want to start fighting with all the rest of the people in the Movie, since i think you won't like when they start to laugh at some points of the movie, and they probably will (by the way, don't take it to hard on you, they didn't mean bad when laughing)

So, did you pass all that criterias ? good, now, the movie brings two of different fundamental issues. One is, the Anti-matter, and the other is, the Church Hierarchical (i spent 2 minutes trying to write it well, damn i'm bad at this kind of words) issues, and all the matters that came from that issues,including the Dark Ages, Illuminati, and the sciences.

First, what is the anti-matter, well, if you are a Catholic, you must know, the God create everything from light (i'm not quite remember it, please note if i'm wrong), so, the scientist tried to redo what the God's do, but instead of creating matters, they want to create an anti-matters. In simple, you could compare it with the math, suppose "+" is "matter", then "-" is the "anti-matter", if you add "+" with the same proportion as "-" then it will be "0" right? now, that's what happen, if you were to put the anti-matter in any substance or in this term, matter all back to "0" to nothing.

The plot is, CERN Scientist were able to create the anti-matter, but as soon as they were created, one of them was stolen.

Fast-forward to Vatican, the Pope just passed away. Vatican were about to elect (i don't quite sure to use this word, please correct me again if i were wrong) a new Pope. And an old enemy of Church, the Illuminati, a group of scientist hunted down by the Church in the past, in reason of heresy were to rise again, with, the stolen anti-matter. They threaten the Church, saying that they will kill 4 Preferiti (i forgot the spelling, sorry if i'm wrong), they who's preferred to be the next Pope, in symbolic ways of Illuminati and bring Vatican down in a light.

And so, here's our favorite Robert Langdon(who supposed to be younger, this is the prequel of "Da Vinci Code") who's smart in Symbols, called to help in solving this puzzles to save the Preferiti, and Vatican (gee, Robert, you got a lot of things to do).

So, as i mention before, this Movie, actually are watchable by Catholic, but you need to be sure that you can differentiate between belief, and enjoyment.
Some parts of the movie, actually are good to noted if you're a Catholic. I always felt bad about the Dark Ages, i always say, "How could Church do that?" (if you're still confused of the Dark Ages, here's a wikipedia links to the explanation) well, i have found the answer, before i watch the movie, and i'm satisfied, that they explain it in the movie, you see, it's all because, everyone who's devoting at their best behind the walls of Vatican, all the Priest, Cleric, Sisters, etc, they are just human, they do mistake, some times, they woke up late, sometimes, they lost their patients, and sometimes, they make a wrong decisions. Please think about it well.

And the second is, about "Why Catholic need to be so Hierarchical(again misspelled)? with all the almost ancient rules, laws, and unchanged traditions? Well, you will find it, in dialogs, and along the story of the movie. But some notes, Church do change. you could ask your Priest to explain it to you, but Church do change, but in such ways that it didn't lost it values.

In the End, the decisions to watch it or not is up to you, but please, when you decide to watch it, please remember that, it's just a movie, it's not some declaration of war, nor it brings an absolute truth. All you need to do, is sit in your comfy sofa, bring some popcorn, soft drink, or mate maybe, and then enjoy the movie, that's it. No more, no less.

Ugodan dan, it's Croatian, use Google translate, and Have a nice day.

I wrote my previous post at 4 o'clock in the morning, yes, i'm having an insomnia again, and i think it's quite severe one, since i haven't sleep up until now, and here i go again, posting here, hopefully didn't fainted. After all, this morning, i drink 2 glass of coffee and another glass again this afternoon. Somehow, having an insomnia helps me focus and thinking, but also, it makes my head hurts and making me harder to think, well it confusing me myself.

Anyway, last day along with my post, i was looking at the movie "Ip Man" (don't spelled it as if it's like Spiderman or Superman or worst IP(Internet Protocol)man, it's a person name) and stumble upon this blog here , and the post about this movie here.
I really like the way she review the movie, most other reviews only talk about how cool the fighting scene (oh it's great actually), or are the movie authentic or not (oh come on, it's just a movie, not documentary), but this one give me a great insight about what this movie try to tell us, you should read the review or watch the movie, i recommend it.
After reading her review, and comments followed the review, i was thinking a lot about it, the question is, do Japanese soldier really that cruel?
In my comment about this film review, i say that it's because of the situation that sometimes, turned a really nice people to cold-hearted people, many said, how could Japanese army became so cruel? is it really all that people in the army are cruel? For me, no, all these guys are actually good people i think, some maybe are patriotic, so how could they turned to evil?

Since my major is psychology, i learn certain experiment and test made by the experts and one experiment is Philip Zimbardo's famous Stanford prison Experiment (1971), you could check it here, i think is one of the good explanation to the reason why people are so cruel back then, in simple, this experiment put 24 undergraduate students were to act as a warden and prisoner, in a simple recreation of a prison life. This experiment was never finished, it was stopped, you know why? because most of these students, and even Zimbardo himself, was so into the act, that they are doing things that i swear they could not even think about it in normal condition, from waking up the "prisoner" late at night, giving punishment, in which some of them even considered sadistic and cruel.

The result of the experiment was, about one third of the guards are having a "guinea" sadistic tendency. This experiment create a "guinea" sadistic tendency. Now, imagine it as a real life situation, you're to put in such harsh environment as the army experienced, after thinking about that, i think, i was such a foolish, i used to say that the people in the American army to be a sadist (considering what they do in Iraq), but now, i were to put myself in their shoes, what will happen to me?

But of course it's wrong if we're to say that such an act were right, because of this. But i think, it will be better, if we were to rethink about what happen, whether it's in WWII, Vietnam, or Iraq now, those who do the cruelty there, those who suffer there, and those who made these other people suffer there, are they not human?

Well, this is just a small insight from me, thanks to my insomnia, you might notice that i put three hyperlink there, well, this is the first time i actually use it :D, so i think i'm overexcited with it.
Good day, good night (time to bed)

so, in order to avoid that, i think it's better for me to make up something, and here we go, i write anything that my mind could catch and everything that maybe i think it will be fun to find it.

For my first post, i would like to write about computer ( i'm quite a geeks myself :p).
Let see, i found a funny topic in daily tech, about the ads by microsoft saying you need to spent USD30,000 to fill out your 120GB Ipod, it's funny yet it's quite true at some point of it. But hey, as a critical consumer, we should not eat up all the ads just like that aren't we?

For the start, i'm using Windows XP in my Acer Aspire One, i love playing some Microsoft Game, but i too will be delighted if you present an Iphone or Mac Mini (Imac and i will say "Halleluya"), well, i never touch every single of them, and for me it's true that they are cool things, and it's absolutely true that they are too expensive..... :D
So in this matter, i try to stand in the middle, i try not to be in one side. Let see, at first, yes, Microsoft was true, Ipod 120GB will take about USD30.000 to fill it up to maximum, in other hand Zune in the same capacity only take USD15 for a month to fill it up to it's limit, but, it will only save 10 songs in the end of the month, the others will be deleted. Dailytech said, at a rate of 10 songs per month, it would take 250 years to fill up the Zune with Zune Pass songs you can keep.  Assuming you could somehow live this long, perhaps via the upcoming wonders of nanomedicine, it would cost you $44,000 USD in today's money.  It would take approximately 166 years to pay $33,000 USD going the Zune Pass road.

Okay that's one point. now, we should look at some other points here, first, do we really need to fill up all 120GB of Ipod or Zune, honestly, most of us only listen to about maximum of 20 favorite songs right? so what are you trying to implies Mic? (from Microsoft). Secondly, Apple, could you lower your price a bit, i mean? well even though it's true that we could save the music for the rest of our lives or until the Ipod broke, or stolen, we won't listen to that song forever, at some point, we will bored, and deleted it, so please, take what Mic says and lower your price.

Mic, you said that you're cheaper, oh come on, Dailytech already prove it, it's not as cheap as you though it is, of course USD15 per month is better than USD 30.000, but can only save 10 song? that's USD 1,5 per song, okay that we could save as much as we want for a month, but even though i already said that usually we won't save a song forever, we like to hear it once in a while after a long time not hearing it, i just hoped that song is still in my 10th song list, a longer list of saveable song please.

So here, i think,  i get what Mic try to say, Apps sells things too expensive, Mic try to sell it in some ways that it won't cost you too much, but i think it still somehow came back to what it feels like we don't own what we bought for (i will write about this in some other time).

So in the end, it still the consumer who have to choose, whether they like to have an everlasting songs on their Ipod, or they will pay cheaper, for everything they could chew for a month, and then just save the top ten favorite songs.

PS : Which side are you in?